My Thoughts on the Trail Thusfar: USMLE Step 2 Feelings
Exhausting is an understating adjective for these last few months.
Preparing for Step 2 was another battle with my own self-worth, anxieties, and with my trust in the system. My lifelong struggle with standardized examinations and the accompanying test-taking anxieties all came to the forefront of my priorities again.
I've started this post multiple times and then quit prematurely every time. It's difficult writing about this experience, and I don't know what there is to garner to reflect upon this. Anxiety with test-taking has been a hovering grey cloud over my entire academic life. In the past, I overcompensated by spending more time studying and committing almost everything I could into memory. It mostly worked through my undergraduate career though it was showing signs of wavering towards the end.
My consistent average scores regardless of the efforts and strategies I implemented throughout my pre-clinical years continued to serve as reminders of my shortcomings when it came to standardized examinations. I struggled through Step 1 and managed to do alright, but I knew it was going to be difficult for Step 2.
Throughout third year, my performance continued to fuel my anxieties toward this looming examination throughout the year. No matter what I tried, my decent/excellent clinical evaluations were always dragged down by a significantly mismatched shelf score. It was discouraging, and I couldn't help but feel I was intellectually less than my peers.
Why did I have so much difficulty when everyone else could strive through?
What was I doing so gravely wrong that no matter how I changed my study habits or self-reflected, I consistently scored so poorly? Was there something fundamentally wrong with me?
With Step 1's near failure looming over my head, Step 2's significance carried even more weight for me. I stepped out of my comfort zone and reached out for help, adopting different methods of studying and different attitudes.
Still it was such an uphill battle.
Looking at my peers and my own performances on practice tests, I strongly felt that I was lacking in things that others considered basic knowledge. Why was I so inferior? Why couldn't I catch up? I didn't think I was lazy when during most of third year. What did everyone learn that I didn't?
Eventually, with the support of my friends, family, and the administration, I managed to pass Step 2. It was relief and comforting to know I could graduate as planned and that it wasn't the ultimate barrier to my goal as a physician.
Meanwhile, as I stewed in my hell of Step 2 studying, I received a few interview invites. I was astonished and appalled, convinced that this was a mistake the institutions made. Why would they even consider me without my Step 2 score? I didn't think of myself as a highly competitive candidate in any shape of form. From a numbers point of view, I'm below average; I don't have any outstanding scores, and my standardized examination scores have always been on the low borders, to put it nicely.
Sure, I had research, but so did everyone. There wasn't anything on my CV that really stood out, I felt. Did these institutions simply send out massive invites to all those who passed Step 1? I was convinced that this was the case. There was no way that they would want to invite someone like me.
I was definitely feeling the front of Imposter Syndrome.
Preparing for Step 2 was another battle with my own self-worth, anxieties, and with my trust in the system. My lifelong struggle with standardized examinations and the accompanying test-taking anxieties all came to the forefront of my priorities again.
I've started this post multiple times and then quit prematurely every time. It's difficult writing about this experience, and I don't know what there is to garner to reflect upon this. Anxiety with test-taking has been a hovering grey cloud over my entire academic life. In the past, I overcompensated by spending more time studying and committing almost everything I could into memory. It mostly worked through my undergraduate career though it was showing signs of wavering towards the end.
My consistent average scores regardless of the efforts and strategies I implemented throughout my pre-clinical years continued to serve as reminders of my shortcomings when it came to standardized examinations. I struggled through Step 1 and managed to do alright, but I knew it was going to be difficult for Step 2.
Throughout third year, my performance continued to fuel my anxieties toward this looming examination throughout the year. No matter what I tried, my decent/excellent clinical evaluations were always dragged down by a significantly mismatched shelf score. It was discouraging, and I couldn't help but feel I was intellectually less than my peers.
Why did I have so much difficulty when everyone else could strive through?
What was I doing so gravely wrong that no matter how I changed my study habits or self-reflected, I consistently scored so poorly? Was there something fundamentally wrong with me?
With Step 1's near failure looming over my head, Step 2's significance carried even more weight for me. I stepped out of my comfort zone and reached out for help, adopting different methods of studying and different attitudes.
Still it was such an uphill battle.
Looking at my peers and my own performances on practice tests, I strongly felt that I was lacking in things that others considered basic knowledge. Why was I so inferior? Why couldn't I catch up? I didn't think I was lazy when during most of third year. What did everyone learn that I didn't?
Eventually, with the support of my friends, family, and the administration, I managed to pass Step 2. It was relief and comforting to know I could graduate as planned and that it wasn't the ultimate barrier to my goal as a physician.
Meanwhile, as I stewed in my hell of Step 2 studying, I received a few interview invites. I was astonished and appalled, convinced that this was a mistake the institutions made. Why would they even consider me without my Step 2 score? I didn't think of myself as a highly competitive candidate in any shape of form. From a numbers point of view, I'm below average; I don't have any outstanding scores, and my standardized examination scores have always been on the low borders, to put it nicely.
Sure, I had research, but so did everyone. There wasn't anything on my CV that really stood out, I felt. Did these institutions simply send out massive invites to all those who passed Step 1? I was convinced that this was the case. There was no way that they would want to invite someone like me.
I was definitely feeling the front of Imposter Syndrome.
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