Emotionally Dimwitted, I am
I think I never really wrapped the idea around my idea. The idea of death, that is.
Sure, I understand what it is, and I know it is traumatic to lose someone you love, but I think my lack of emotional empathy with people have made it difficult for me to really understand how it feels.
Maybe that is a better survival trait for a M.D. student. As opposed to the overly emotional one.
While I am certainly not one of those highly logical individuals who rationalize everything, I think I lean towards that end of the spectrum of "emotional muffling" when it comes to emotional relationships sometimes. I feel that I am often emotionally stunted, or simply incapable, to really empathize what people are going through. Of course I can understand how they feel, but I often have a hard time putting myself "in their shoes" unless I have had direct experience for it.
Today I learnt that my grandfather has been hospitalized due to some sort of medical issue and is on the "end of life" list. He has had a relatively good life, lived a long one (95 years old!), and fathered at least one, good son. He was around during my childhood before we moved to the United States, but I do not have many memories of him at all. Just him being there. He was already quite old by then.
My father has been devastated in the last couple of days. He really loves his father, and this situation has left him feeling helpless due to the distance and difficulty to be there with him in the possibly last days.
I am, of course, upset as well. But that unhappiness stems from seeing my father suffer and not so much the impending death itself. I am heartbroken to know that my father is heartbroken over it. Being emotional dummies, I know how much his father meant to him, not just as a dad, but also as a close friend who can share your most secretive thoughts and worries. I know that to us, losing someone close is an extremely traumatic experience. I am sad for that, for his sadness and for his loneliness.
And although it seems really cruel to say so, my grandfather's death itself has not really fazed me at all. It seems natural to me that death should come knocking any day now. His health condition has been deteriorating visibly over the last couple of years, so it is not a surprise to me. But I guess when it is the person you love, even the most obvious signs cannot soften that shock of such a permanent absence.
Recently, other friends of mine have been plagued with similar stressful times, and in the same fashion, I worry over them. I worry and am saddened by their worries and not the death itself. I think in the end, I see death as something completely natural and to be - so much so that when it does happen, I am not really shocked or disrupted by it.
Or perhaps I am just foolishly naive because I have yet to lose someone so close to me.
Sure, I understand what it is, and I know it is traumatic to lose someone you love, but I think my lack of emotional empathy with people have made it difficult for me to really understand how it feels.
Maybe that is a better survival trait for a M.D. student. As opposed to the overly emotional one.
While I am certainly not one of those highly logical individuals who rationalize everything, I think I lean towards that end of the spectrum of "emotional muffling" when it comes to emotional relationships sometimes. I feel that I am often emotionally stunted, or simply incapable, to really empathize what people are going through. Of course I can understand how they feel, but I often have a hard time putting myself "in their shoes" unless I have had direct experience for it.
Today I learnt that my grandfather has been hospitalized due to some sort of medical issue and is on the "end of life" list. He has had a relatively good life, lived a long one (95 years old!), and fathered at least one, good son. He was around during my childhood before we moved to the United States, but I do not have many memories of him at all. Just him being there. He was already quite old by then.
My father has been devastated in the last couple of days. He really loves his father, and this situation has left him feeling helpless due to the distance and difficulty to be there with him in the possibly last days.
I am, of course, upset as well. But that unhappiness stems from seeing my father suffer and not so much the impending death itself. I am heartbroken to know that my father is heartbroken over it. Being emotional dummies, I know how much his father meant to him, not just as a dad, but also as a close friend who can share your most secretive thoughts and worries. I know that to us, losing someone close is an extremely traumatic experience. I am sad for that, for his sadness and for his loneliness.
And although it seems really cruel to say so, my grandfather's death itself has not really fazed me at all. It seems natural to me that death should come knocking any day now. His health condition has been deteriorating visibly over the last couple of years, so it is not a surprise to me. But I guess when it is the person you love, even the most obvious signs cannot soften that shock of such a permanent absence.
Recently, other friends of mine have been plagued with similar stressful times, and in the same fashion, I worry over them. I worry and am saddened by their worries and not the death itself. I think in the end, I see death as something completely natural and to be - so much so that when it does happen, I am not really shocked or disrupted by it.
Or perhaps I am just foolishly naive because I have yet to lose someone so close to me.
No worries, I am the same way about grandpa
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