ERAS and post Step 2 Feels

It's been a while.

I apologize for the absence. These last few months have been a whirlwind of studying, scrambling, schedule making, and Step 2 studying/test taking. It's been complicated and gut-wrenching with these vissicitudes. The feelings of anxiety of apprehension of uncertain outcomes have constantly on my mind. The interview invites rolled in, and I found myself somewhat ... lost in this sea of bumbling excitement. 

I suppose it's primate nature to look and compare. 

But I know that it's not fair. Everyone has come to medical school with a different mission - a different plan. Though we have learned and suffered and grown together, our paths have all diverged in their own ways. 

Knowing this, it's still frustrating seeing the invites and numbers that I coveted. Sometimes - more recently than previously -  I wonder if I'm good enough to be a physician. If I'll even be given a chance after surviving these years of medical education.

I wonder, looking at my maturing peers, if I'm that little green, unripe runt ready to be squashed out in the batch of beautifully red tomatoes. True, I have learnt so much and grown at an exponential rate through these past three-and-a-half years, but relative to my peers, I feel so much less.

Less competent? Less intelligent? Less well-versed?

I'm not sure. But scrutiny is a damaging tool when turned too long on oneself. I try to shake it off and reassure myself that I have been given chances at good number of reputable instutions. I've survived thus far, so I belong here just as much as everyone does. 

But more than anything, I guess I just feel exhausted having to struggle the last intense months. It feels as if everything had been amping up to these next few months, and it's a little terrifying that this is actually happening. 

Well, those are just some jumbled thoughts as I start my first wobbling steps into the interview trail. In hopes, more meaningful substance and regularity in the near future!