4/4/ M.D Loading...

Thus far in my journey to M.D.-hood, I can say it has been a bumpy and arduous path. It has challenged me in novel ways that I had not expected, and it has pushed me beyond my limits (and then some). It has been the first time I experienced belonging as well as the joys of having true companionship. It has been a personal journey in itself balancing with my chronic medical/mental health illnesses with the stresses of school. I have learnt the value of work-life balance and the importance of self-care. 

It has been an academically journey filled with personal, intellectual, and emotional growth.

I have found myself  friends that will most likely stay with me for the rest of my life, friends who have made profound differences in my life. 

Along this journey, anxiety has been one of my close companions. Growing up, I have always been an overthinker. Anxiety is a familiar friend. In these "acute" times of stress, medical school is strife with all sort of anxiety. 

During my first year, there was the anxieties of surviving the academic rigors of medical school, balancing school and life, and making time for those who matter. Second year was a huge anxiety of Step 1 (and who didn't have that anxiety?) The anxieties of third year were of career choices and different kind of survival. 

Fourth year?

So far, it's been the anxiety of the future. 

Everyone around me keeps reassuring me that having gotten to medical school, I'm definitely not the crumbliest cookie in the batch. I know I'm not extraordinary in the department of mental light bulbs, and my grades certainly reflect I'm just your average medical student living in Struggle City, but I think no matter how smart one is, the anxiety of failure gnaws at everyone's mind.

The fear of not matching or finding a suitable program is definitely something that fuels the anxiety train, as I think runs for most of my peers. From a numbers perspective, I'm quite unimpressive. I wish I had something better to say for myself, but that's just reality. I tried very hard for Step 2, and having just taken it, I have no idea how well/poorly I performed. So of course there's that anxiety of I FAILED STEP 2 MY MEDICAL SCHOOL LIFE IS OVER looming across my frontal lobe. 

I always told myself that I had the goods where it really counted: my stubborn hardworking-ness and my passion for neurology. 

But sometimes, I'm not so sure. In my daily (really feels like hourly, minute-ly, or whatever unit of time recently) ups and downs, I feel so uncertain of my qualifications to be a physician. Maybe it's because I'm so close to getting that title I had worked so hard and so long for; maybe it's that impending reality that I'm about to be responsible for REAL people; maybe it's that cowardly safety of wanting to be a student forever - whatever it is, my mind is constantly struggling between my desire to inhabit those metaphorical shoes I've been coveting and shirking away from that huge gap that I'm expected to grow into.

I know that's not how doctoring works. Logically, I know overnight, that M.D. is not going to conk me with the enlightenment of internship. I understand that I'll know next to nothing relative to a seasoned physician by the time I graduate medical school (IF I graduate, ahem), and I'll still know next to nothing when I start my internship. 

Still, it's a scary feeling. 

I'm not sure how I feel about the future right now. Maybe I just don't want to give myself too much hope in the advent that I bombed the Step 2 exam (guess which Anxiety monster plagues my dreams and eats at my receding fingernails). I don't know. But I guess there's no point trying to pinpoint the validity of this cloud of anxiety until my score comes out so I may move on (or move out).

Guess that'll be all until Dooms Day.