Before I Burrow Into My Study Hole .... and Down we Go!

It seems like an impossible dream as I walked out of my last examination for the academic year just last Friday. It was another unpredictable Albany day. The sky was grey, and although it was late April, irony decided to sprinkle some dusty snow and chilling winds to celebrate the mark of spring (seriously, Albany?).

This was the last examination of my pre-clinical year.

It may not seem like much, considering I have many more examinations to jump through before I can even call myself a full-fledged physician – not to mention the “little quiz” of Step 1 have looming over me in six weeks. But as I pack, plan, and get ready for my short "vacation" back home to Sunshine State just to crawl into a study hole for six weeks, the notion that my first two years of medical school have been completed - I don't think it's really sunken in yet.

Strange, how time flows in medical school. I've touched upon this many times already, but it still amazes me how quickly these last two years have flown by despite the way I feel like days stretch out like knuckles dragging on the pebbled ground. It's insane the amount of knowledge that I have managed to shove into my tiny, wrinkly brain, and it's even more astounding how scarcely I am prepared for the clinical years soon to come.

It's an exciting time. It's a horrifying time.

My roommates have wonderfully provided me with the preview of the third year lifestyle as I lived my night-owl study schedules - encouraging me how fulfilling the transition has become. It is thrilling to see that what I have to look forward to is something that I have been working towards all my life. Meanwhile, it scares me how mature and well-composed all the third years I encounter seem to be. I am nothing close to the poised and professional manner they carry themselves, and perhaps it's really "fake it until you make it", but I know I will definitely shaking to death on the inside as I hit the wards in a few months.

Looking back, second year was definitely a struggle for me. Unlike many of my classmates, I was not thrilled by the curriculum presented to us. Specifically, I was not happy about the way we were tested, and I struggled largely with balancing resources and adopting the "correct" studying strategy. First year was much more similar to the university education system that I was comfortable with, and although I can't say I was anything near top of the class throughout my first academic year, I was much happier with my scores. Despite the changes and effort I put into improving myself (and being more flexible), I have felt extreme frustration towards my performance as a second year medical student. Life is never easy, and I understand that we will never have everything that we want, but in some ways, I wish I had been more insightful and cognizant of my shortcomings this year. Still, minutiae progress is still progress. I am thankful for the experiences that I have endured, and I am grateful for those who have continued to stand by me and support me regardless of the pathetic, whiny ass that I can become during my bouts of incapacitated unhappiness (because depression is a state of mind that has to be confronted day after day and not conquered once). I've learnt to be a little kinder to myself, and I've learnt to be less self-centered. I can only hope that I will continue confront my demons everyday and become as strong as those around me.

For now, I'm back at home - enjoying the cool, ever-clean floors neurotically mopped by mother, the bobas, the sunshine - and gearing up for the most intense studying storm that I will have done in my life. Hopefully, everything will be okay. Remember to breathe, to keep close what we love, and keep chugging along.