Second Year Rants and Reflections

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really meant to be a doctor.

Second year of medical school really sucks. I have never been a fan of these standardized exams, and my lack of stellar performance (well, I was never stellar first year either) and subpar performance has left me very dejected and really unconfident of my capacity as a student. I have been reassured again and again that passing is just fine, and it's not really a good measure of intellect or my abilities as a future physician. I have been reassured again and again that there are too many qualities of a good physician that are not tested and that I possess many of them. 

I have been assured and reassured. 

Perhaps it is the predominance of studying and examination. Perhaps it is nervous energy that has been slowly building in fearful anticipation of impending Boards day (for non-medical students, the Boards is the first big standardized examination that second year students take that hold huge sway on the types of residencies that we may be eligible for; think of it as the MCATs or SATs of medical school. Or the first one anyway). Perhaps it is horrible winter of Albany this year (why is it still snowing in late March?!). Perhaps - there are too many perhaps, but I have felt exceedingly disappointed in my own abilities, questioning at every turn and after each theme whether or not I am fitted for this path.

As usual, I am the expert at ruminating obsessively over my experiences thus-far, and I've realized the happiest (or the least depressed) moments throughout this second academic year have all been experiences mentoring or interacting with the first year class.

I have always known that I was borne to be a teacher. Mentoring and teaching are qualities that have always come to me as parts of my essential character. Because mentoring/teaching has always been an essential trait of many successful careers, I have never thought too much of it. It was just a natural part of being a good physician, scientist, or whatever I was interested in. 

But what I have realized, more than being a doctor and helping others with my intellect (and that's only a theoretical notion), what brings me more joy is mentoring/teaching. Medicine is simply another variant of mentoring, I have found. The principle of mentorship/teaching is to guide a student through a difficult/challenging process. Medicine is not much different. As physicians, we are expected to diagnose and find solutions for our patients, but the main tenet of a physician is to be able to guide the patient through this process as both professional and even psychological support to sustain or restore quality of life.

The question is, do I love medicine more or mentoring/teaching more?

In some ways, maybe it isn't that relevant of a question. At the same time, it makes me wonder whether another, perhaps less stressful career is more suited for my passions/interests. 

Being able to plan and arrange and successful transition for the first year class to medical school, provide useful information/advice to them, watching over them especially when the expected panics rushes in, and serving as a listening ear to their similar woes have all been phenomenal and most rewarding experiences for me during second year of medical school. I'm not sure if that's because academically, it hasn't been as rewarding, or maybe being a slightly more knowledgeable pioneer just feels awesome. 

Regardless of these pointless thought circles, I look forward to getting done with the ordeal of preclinical medicine and getting to rotations of third year. In hopes, I will find faith in medicine once more.