On the Concept of No

If there were a personification of the word "hypocrite", that would be me. I don't know if this is something that real people do or if this is just one of another Odd Traits of Being ZePanda, but the idiosyncrasies of reserving refusal only to those I know well have always perplexed (and sometimes offended) my close friends as well as baffled me.

Perhaps it was part of the Asian cultural norms of always appeasing others; perhaps it was part of the social norms of a woman to always be accommodating; perhaps it was the expectations of the eldest, responsible daughter to uphold the honour of the family - I don't really know what it is. Maybe it's all of these. Regardless, I have always been loathe to refuse the request of others. To put it nicely, I am a "people-pleaser". To put it realistically, I am nothing more than a coward too scared to be brave.

No matter what the request was, the automatic nature was for me to smile and nod, "sure, no problem!" even when it meant going out of my way to pick up another Trouble. My nosy Big Sister personality didn't help either. Helping out was always part of my character's colours. If I could do anything to help brighten someone's day or ease their troubles, it was worth it for me to go that extra mile. Because kindness is something that should be given to all, in my opinion. I don't know if that's  personality defect or if I'm just idealistic like that. At times, it was difficult for me to discern whether I was serving favours simply because I enjoyed helping others or whether I was evading a deep-seated fear of being abandoned. 

The result of this is that I hardly ever say no to people. It's become part of my nature. Like some sort of reflex. When I do, it usually means two things: one, I am so spent and exhausted that I couldn't possibly extend myself to accommodate the request or two, I feel comfortable enough with you that I feel like I can refuse without you taking it personally (and get mad at me or runawaybutnowI'mjustbeingcrazynow). I've learnt over the last few years to cordially decline and deal with the terrible guilt afterwards. I've gotten better at being comfortable with my refusals.

But, it hasn't been easy.

Sometimes, when close friends do/say things that are hurtful, I can't find the strength to say no. I rather swallow hurt or accommodate all that I can than risk losing a friend. One could say I put very little faith/trust in them, but it's really more that I have very little confidence in myself to believe that anyone would find worth in me. I had let a friend feel me up even though he completely understood my circumstance because I was too afraid to tell him to stop. I was so shocked and tired in that moment that I stopped thinking and just let his fingers roam. 

Because I was so afraid of his reaction if I had stopped him.

Because I was so scared that if I had told him no, he would have thought I was a horrible person and broadcasted  it to everyone else. 

Because I was so worried that it was indeed my fault for putting myself in the situation. My deed that led him to think that it was okay.

I know it sounds ridiculous. I know any sane, educated, self-respecting woman would have slapped his hand away in outrage. But I didn't. My brain shut down and went into autopilot because I was so terrified of losing another important friend. 

It was days later that I remembered a similar incident when I was a kid in elementary school. Back then, I had reacted differently. I had alerted the adults to the situation, remembering my mother's lessons. And I remember, only now, that I had been shunned by all of those friends afterwards. They felt betrayed that I would rat him out like that. It didn't help my situation that most of my friends were boys at the time. 

It seems silly, these small things that lead up to strange, complex thoughts. It makes me wonder - and sometimes obsess - whether my desire to be useful/liked/helpful came from my own personality streak or it is a result of conditioned, pathological yearning of approval. 

In the end, I think it's probably a combination of both, and the more important concept to ponder is to learn how to nurture the kindness whilst protecting my own integrity. Learning how to draw my boundaries, my friends have taught me (after countless metaphorical head bashings), is not selfishness but simply - self respect.