Silver and Gold ... and Happiness
This may come off as silly, but I have never really understood the meaning of friendship.
Throughout my life, I have never been very good at making and keeping friends. I have tried very hard, and I can honestly say that I have never been bad to my friends, but for some reason even though I have made close friends in the past, I have barely been able to keep any for any period of time.
I have understood from very early on that I have always had a hard time empathizing with other people. I could always understand the basic things, but I always had a hard time relating. I was also always the "different one", so that made it difficult for me to initiate friendships.
But as I grew older and matured a little, things did not really get easier for me.
As I started to ruminate and stress over every single failed friendship that I had, I started to realize that aside from my lack of ability to discern good and bad friends, I never relied on my friends fully.
No matter how close I got with my friends, I never really confided and trusted my friends completely. Of course, I would talk to my friends about my problems and such, but I always talked about them afterwards the whole conflict of interest blew over. A part of me felt that it was necessary to figure out my problems by myself. Another part of me felt guilty that I had to bother my friends for such menial and inconsequential issues.
After each point of conflict had passed, it was okay to talk about it - all right to voice my concerns because they had passed. I had collected all my thoughts about them and could objectively (as much as I could) discuss these problems. But it was never okay for me to just - vent about my problems. I would never just lose control and blather and ramble about my problems without having assessed the entire situation first myself.
I am not sure if that is a part of my personality or due to some sort of defect that I acquired over the years of initially unsuccessful friendships that turned into personally-created failures.
With him, I had felt a sort of safety. Whether it was because of the fact that we were in a relationship or whether it was because of his personality, I trusted him enough - so much that I was able to confide in him of my worries and all these anxieties. He gave me that sense of safety and assurance that no matter how ridiculous and silly my anxieties are, I could always tell him about it without worrying about being judged or the consequences.
I relied on him. But I felt like because we were in a relationship, it was the natural thing to do. After all, lovers could confide in things closer than close friends because it was more in depth and more ... intimate. That was how I saw things worked.
But in some ways, I feel that perhaps I had been wrong. Was it possible for friends to have that sort of trust? Is such total reliance a normal and accepted thing to do among or between friends?
Opening up to others has always been such a phenomenon-ally difficult task for me to do. I have been to my closest friends, but to be completely frank with myself, I do not think I have ever done so in real time. I had always confided in them after I had done all that thinking and self-collecting to myself.
Now that this chapter had ended, one of the greatest fears that I have is losing that sort of friendship. I guess I had always felt that I could rely on myself to solve my problems. Friends were necessary, yes, but I had never felt that I needed my friends to help my solve my problems, except for him. My problems, in my own mind, were mine to solve alone. It was weak and incorrect to ask my friends of so much to solve all my silly problems for me. I should be grateful and happy that they would listen at all to me in the first place.
That aside, in the back of my head, I had also always chewed over my nails that one day, perhaps if I simply vented and rambled out all my uncontrolled problems, my friends would simply run away in horror at how much of a mental case I was.
So much insecurities.
I guess this is all part of the human condition.
Throughout my life, I have never been very good at making and keeping friends. I have tried very hard, and I can honestly say that I have never been bad to my friends, but for some reason even though I have made close friends in the past, I have barely been able to keep any for any period of time.
I have understood from very early on that I have always had a hard time empathizing with other people. I could always understand the basic things, but I always had a hard time relating. I was also always the "different one", so that made it difficult for me to initiate friendships.
But as I grew older and matured a little, things did not really get easier for me.
As I started to ruminate and stress over every single failed friendship that I had, I started to realize that aside from my lack of ability to discern good and bad friends, I never relied on my friends fully.
No matter how close I got with my friends, I never really confided and trusted my friends completely. Of course, I would talk to my friends about my problems and such, but I always talked about them afterwards the whole conflict of interest blew over. A part of me felt that it was necessary to figure out my problems by myself. Another part of me felt guilty that I had to bother my friends for such menial and inconsequential issues.
After each point of conflict had passed, it was okay to talk about it - all right to voice my concerns because they had passed. I had collected all my thoughts about them and could objectively (as much as I could) discuss these problems. But it was never okay for me to just - vent about my problems. I would never just lose control and blather and ramble about my problems without having assessed the entire situation first myself.
I am not sure if that is a part of my personality or due to some sort of defect that I acquired over the years of initially unsuccessful friendships that turned into personally-created failures.
With him, I had felt a sort of safety. Whether it was because of the fact that we were in a relationship or whether it was because of his personality, I trusted him enough - so much that I was able to confide in him of my worries and all these anxieties. He gave me that sense of safety and assurance that no matter how ridiculous and silly my anxieties are, I could always tell him about it without worrying about being judged or the consequences.
I relied on him. But I felt like because we were in a relationship, it was the natural thing to do. After all, lovers could confide in things closer than close friends because it was more in depth and more ... intimate. That was how I saw things worked.
But in some ways, I feel that perhaps I had been wrong. Was it possible for friends to have that sort of trust? Is such total reliance a normal and accepted thing to do among or between friends?
Opening up to others has always been such a phenomenon-ally difficult task for me to do. I have been to my closest friends, but to be completely frank with myself, I do not think I have ever done so in real time. I had always confided in them after I had done all that thinking and self-collecting to myself.
Now that this chapter had ended, one of the greatest fears that I have is losing that sort of friendship. I guess I had always felt that I could rely on myself to solve my problems. Friends were necessary, yes, but I had never felt that I needed my friends to help my solve my problems, except for him. My problems, in my own mind, were mine to solve alone. It was weak and incorrect to ask my friends of so much to solve all my silly problems for me. I should be grateful and happy that they would listen at all to me in the first place.
That aside, in the back of my head, I had also always chewed over my nails that one day, perhaps if I simply vented and rambled out all my uncontrolled problems, my friends would simply run away in horror at how much of a mental case I was.
So much insecurities.
I guess this is all part of the human condition.
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