Sudden Moments and Big Changes
Funny how a simple email can really change on our perceptions in the moment of life.
Lately, I had been feeling very uneasy and upset about all this - waiting and unknown. After the interview, I had been simply brewing in wiry anxiety wondering whether I did well, whether I had done the best that I can, and what are the subsequent actions that I must take in preparation for possible and very likely rejection. Our relationship between him and I was also changing. It was becoming more complex, with more factors becoming more relevant and intruding in our lives. He was trying to create a more leveled and equal relationship between two mature, healthy-minded people
And I, as I always have been, have trying to stay true to me while change and adapt to grow up. To stop circling in this emotional valley of conflict and self-doubt.
The tensed relationship between us connected with my parents have forced me into a situation of having to choose sides between them. The one-tracked simpleton that I am, I had never envisioned a scenario where I would develop a complex enough relationship with anyone to have to choose. Career was the only thing in my eyes, so I never really thought about it. Having to choose, then, became something that I had not been handling very well or understood fully.
And then there was that feared dread that I would have to figure something out if I really did not get into medical schools. I had long understood this possibility, but I never really fully felt it until after the interviews. How real that possibility was. And although I understood that it was not the end of the world nor was it the end of my dream of becoming a physician, the notion itself felt like doomsday to me.
And then Monday morning came. He had helped me do some research, and I knew that the notice would either come That morning or the morning after. I had woken up at eleven and checked my email and saw no notice. I had simply assumed that I would not find out until next week. When I woke up again near noon, I screamed at the email after reading and re-reading (and rereading again) to make sure that it said Accept and not Waitlist or Reject. The happiness overwhelmed me, and I burst out in tears.
I had been thinking of all the misery and frustration I had been dealing with - career-wise and relationship-wise - and how I would react if this fall were not to be my enrollment of medical school. In that moment - in that brief moment of the present, I was happy.
Those worries and anxieties were still partially there - my concerns of my career and of my relationships are not invalid and not erased by a "mere" invitation - but in that moment, they seemed so manageable. They seemed like possibilities that I could figure out.
And that made it so less wrenching for me.
The potential to solve problems and provide solutions made me feel more at ease and in control of the situation. Instead of simply just waiting around - twiddling my metaphorical thumbs - I could take my next steps.
But as of fall of 2013, I will become a medical school student - the first step to completing my dreams.
Lately, I had been feeling very uneasy and upset about all this - waiting and unknown. After the interview, I had been simply brewing in wiry anxiety wondering whether I did well, whether I had done the best that I can, and what are the subsequent actions that I must take in preparation for possible and very likely rejection. Our relationship between him and I was also changing. It was becoming more complex, with more factors becoming more relevant and intruding in our lives. He was trying to create a more leveled and equal relationship between two mature, healthy-minded people
And I, as I always have been, have trying to stay true to me while change and adapt to grow up. To stop circling in this emotional valley of conflict and self-doubt.
The tensed relationship between us connected with my parents have forced me into a situation of having to choose sides between them. The one-tracked simpleton that I am, I had never envisioned a scenario where I would develop a complex enough relationship with anyone to have to choose. Career was the only thing in my eyes, so I never really thought about it. Having to choose, then, became something that I had not been handling very well or understood fully.
And then there was that feared dread that I would have to figure something out if I really did not get into medical schools. I had long understood this possibility, but I never really fully felt it until after the interviews. How real that possibility was. And although I understood that it was not the end of the world nor was it the end of my dream of becoming a physician, the notion itself felt like doomsday to me.
And then Monday morning came. He had helped me do some research, and I knew that the notice would either come That morning or the morning after. I had woken up at eleven and checked my email and saw no notice. I had simply assumed that I would not find out until next week. When I woke up again near noon, I screamed at the email after reading and re-reading (and rereading again) to make sure that it said Accept and not Waitlist or Reject. The happiness overwhelmed me, and I burst out in tears.
I had been thinking of all the misery and frustration I had been dealing with - career-wise and relationship-wise - and how I would react if this fall were not to be my enrollment of medical school. In that moment - in that brief moment of the present, I was happy.
Those worries and anxieties were still partially there - my concerns of my career and of my relationships are not invalid and not erased by a "mere" invitation - but in that moment, they seemed so manageable. They seemed like possibilities that I could figure out.
And that made it so less wrenching for me.
The potential to solve problems and provide solutions made me feel more at ease and in control of the situation. Instead of simply just waiting around - twiddling my metaphorical thumbs - I could take my next steps.
But as of fall of 2013, I will become a medical school student - the first step to completing my dreams.
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